I told him the Jays were a desperate bunch, which is cheddar cheese to a puppy dog in devil-speak. I gave him my hard sell. Cmon, buddy. Cmon, Sweet Lu. Our All Star-shortstop Jose Reyes, finally healthy, literally leads off the season by taking his first at bat, popping out, then proceeding to walk off the field and on to the disabled list. Maybe hes out for two weeks, maybe four months, maybe hes taking up painting. The team, left with a defence only Abbott and Costello could love, is even more desperate than when it was just known for jettisoning its best young talent for knuckleballers pushing 40 - he stopped me right there. He smiled deep and wide, his horns dewy with anticipation. He was ready to make a deal.Fine, I said. I will bypass my desires for fame or fortune or a game of wall ball with Lloyd Moseby and put my deal making skills to work for our boys in royal blue. So, fellow fan, you are welcome. Allow me to outline the exact details of how this season is going to go down (as hashed out between me and Mr. Three Prong, Son of Perdition).(Disclaimer: if you are planning to use this remarkably accurate information for gambling, I urge you to keep investing that extra money into lotto scratchers, lest we have a Back To The Future situation on our hands. APRIL (14-13 record, .519)The Jays whimper out of the gate, getting crushed on Opening Day, then lose 7 of 10, doing a bang-on impersonation of the mediocre team we thought they were. Thats when the cauldron bubbles and the thick smoke rolls in and the creepy carnival comes to town. What happens specifically? Maybe the entire Red Sox roster contracts syphilis. Maybe Derek Jeter becomes a clubhouse cancer in his final diva-tirade-filled season. Maybe Camden Yards becomes Marlo Stanfield turf. Maybe Tampa Bay management decides the empty cavern they play in would be better monetized by jai alai tournaments. Listen, I dont ask El Diablo how he gets stuff done, I just sit back and enjoy the results which Im assured come with no consequences. MAY (31-26, .544)Little known fact about devil-dealing: May is Buy One, Get One Free Month! Thats across the board, whether youre looking for life extension or to unravel the happiness of a sworn enemy. Why not do both?Truly, Beelzebub has little to do with the Blue Jay surge of May. The team plays a whopping 18 games at home, and with the city still suffering from an endless winter, the Rogers Centre roof is only opened once all month, a paralyzing condition visiting teams cannot physically handle (the technical term is "depression"). (Sidenote: I apologize for not asking The Crimson Sausage, Enemy Of Christ to improve the weather. The Cable Box on Blue Jay Way is the Bikram Yoga studio of stadiums.*) (*Bikram yoga is also known as hot yoga.**) (**Hot yoga is a thing you do when you are a 22-year-old girl or a thing you do when you are trying to impress a 22-year-old girl).JUNE (48-36, .571)Until mid-June, the league hadnt noticed the Jays ascension to the ranks of the privileged, largely because after twenty years spent ignoring someone, it is perfectly understandable that you might mistakenly walk past them in the hall and fail to notice the shotgun they are holding. But the Jays had now arrived, and their demands were going to be met, even if Barb in accounting didnt know their goddamn name. Josh Thole was gonna make sure you remember.We gotta give props to The Author Of All Sin, because he works the impossible this month. Jose Reyes is back in the lineup in time for his birthday (June 11) and his bobblehead day (June 8 for those fair weather fans planning to attend). To think, how many nasty critics said meaningful baseball would never be played in Toronto again in July?JULY (62-48, .564)With just a paltry nine home games on tap, our Blue Man Group must do their damage on the road, visiting Tampa Bay, New York and Boston. In a month-long celebration of Canada Day, our national baseball representatives do just that, proving Canadians to be fearless and capable. (Flipside: After witnessing the condition of our departing players hotel rooms, it is clear we Canucks may lack some respect for the environment. I believe the players call it, "doing it Harper-style").The All-Star break falls in July, an annual tradition typically partaken by Jose Bautista and a middle reliever nobody knew was on the team. 2014 proves to be no different despite being a dozen games over .500 at the break. Respect will have to be earned. FYI, did you wanna know who wins this years All-Star game, giving their respective League home field advantage in the World Series? Answer: NOBODY. Nobody [expletive] wins with a rule that stupid.AUGUST (79-57, .581)On August 11, Colby Rasmus turns 28. That same day, Melky Cabrera turns 30. The Prince Of Darkness promises me these achievements will be met and hes been totally standup so far.Playing every division rival at home this month, The Descendants of Alfredo Griffin enjoy their greatest month this century, forcing Vegas to recognize them as a team and set World Series odds. They are given 60-1 chances, though in metric it works out to a more sensible 18-1.(For those of you uncomfortable with how fashioned this season is by Oh Wicked One, Im not saying you have to worship the Father Of All Lies, Founder Of Murder. Im just saying, if youre a ball fan, you should probably send him a card. Maybe bath salts. Nothing fancy).SEPTEMBER (93-69, .574)A peculiar month of scheduling down the home stretch. Sensibly, the Jays visit every division rivals park. Oddly, they play the Chicago Cubs for an unknown reason my sources tell me may have involved money and bad judgement.2014 ends in a dog fight -- a climax of tension and emotion and games that are still a little too long -- all in the service of the Jays holding on for their first playoff appearance ever (in the lives of the children whose aging fathers drag them to the games). We did it! Were number 4 or 5!And there you have it: 93 wins. 1 wild card spot. 0 logical discrepancies. Is it getting hot in here?Gallays Poll #5Lets say we dont know what we know. With how many wins doth the Blue Jays finish?A) <70 -- I am familiar with the team. The win total will be commensurate with the talent level.B) 70-81 -- I dont pay much attention to the baseballs but have read a few headlines.C) 82-89 -- I rarely hear about the Jays anymore. Is Kelly Gruber still with the team?D) 90+ -- I dont understand how baseball works. Willi Castro Jersey . Andrew Luck couldnt believe his ears. Colts fans couldnt believe the scoreboard, and the Kansas City Chiefs couldnt believe their incredibly bad luck. Harold Castro Jersey .J. -- All those records, all for naught. https://www.cheaptigers.com/. The 19-year-old Swiss centre back will initially have to impress in Uniteds reserve side to earn a spot in the first team. Veseli says "Manchester United has a long history of younger players coming through and hopefully I can follow and do the same. Harry Heilmann Jersey . Jeff Carter had two goals and an assist as the Kings stretched their streak to seven wins in a row with a 4-2 victory over the Edmonton Oilers on Sunday. Lance Parrish Jersey . The striker headed Spurs into a 35th-minute lead and tapped in their third in the 71st after Chico Flores own goal. Wilfried Bony hit the bar and had a good penalty appeal for a push by Tottenham captain Michael Dawson turned down in the first half, before getting Swanseas consolation late on.SEATTLE - The Seattle Seahawks had a 24-3 lead over winless Oakland at halftime. The injury-ravaged defending Super Bowl champions ended up barely holding on.This week, came out, played three quarters and then the fourth quarter we took our foot off the pedal or whatnot, Seattle defensive end Cliff Avril said. We just have to be consistent and be able to put a full game together.Seattle escaped with a 30-24 victory Sunday, leaning heavily on Marshawn Lynch and a stingy defence that gave rookie quarterback Derek Carr headaches. Russell Wilson struggled through one of his worst passing games, going 17 of 35 for 179 yards.The Seahawks (5-3) wont look back on this victory with any reverence, other than the ability to grind out their second straight win.Lynch had two first-half touchdown runs and his day would have been much bigger if not for penalties calling back some significant gains. Lynch finished with 143 total yards rushing and receiving and had 26 touches.Its a team game. We played as a team, Lynch said.Oakland (0-8) lost its 14th straight game dating to last season. The Raiders have been competitive, but continue to make critical mistakes they cant overcome. This time it was three first-half turnovers, including Carrs two interceptions.Im just trying to do too much, Carr said. I just needed to settle down. I came in at the half and said Man, I just need to play football. Im here for a reason and I just need to settle down and do my job.Here are other things learned from Seattles victory:IRVINS IMPACT: The past two weeks has shown the potential of Bruce Irvin and why the Seahawks can often live with some of his mistakes.Last week against Carolina, Irvin had two key sacks on Carolinas final possession that displayed his pure pass rush ability. Sunday his pure athleticism was on display. Irvins interception showed everything Carroll has admired about Irvin since he was recruiting him at Southern California. Irvin dropped into coverage and jumped to deflect Carrs pass into the air. He came down and located the ball, grabbing the interception, then used his speed to beat Carr to the pylon for the first touchdown of his career.Tried to be opportunistic and try to make a play when I can.dddddddddddd. I was just fortunate enough that it bounced straight up and came back down, Irvin said.THIRD PHASE: Oakland was able to get back in it in the second half because of its special teams. Denico Autry blocked Jon Ryans punt on the first possession and Brice Butler recovered the ball in the end zone for a touchdown. It was the first blocked punt for a touchdown against Seattle since 2003 and the second for Oakland in the past two seasons.T.J. Carrie made up for a first-half kickoff return fumble with a 27-yard punt return to set up Carrs first touchdown toss to Rivera late in the third quarter.We needed something to be able to turn the tide a little bit, coach Tony Sparano said.LINE DANCE: Seattles injuries continued to pile up and led to more shuffling especially on the offensive line. Patrick Lewis started at centre because of injuries to Max Unger and Stephen Schilling. Russell Okung was inactive, leaving Alvin Bailey to make his first start at left tackle. Left guard James Carpenter went down in the second half with an ankle injury and was replaced by Garry Gilliam — a tackle. The shuffling up front certainly didnt help Seattles struggling pass game although Carroll didnt want to use that as an excuse for Wilson.He wasnt concerned about that going in and didnt feel it during the game either, Carroll said.SHERMS TURN: Seattles Richard Sherman was patiently waiting for a ball to come his direction that he could make a play on and finally get his first interception of the season.Carr was willing to oblige, attempting a back-shoulder throw for Andre Holmes. Sherman had better position and was able to pull the ball in with his left hand. It was his first interception since Week 16 of last season and was welcomed after going through games earlier this season where he wasnt even thrown at.Just waiting. There hasnt been a year yet I havent got one, Sherman said. I knew eventually; if youre out there long enough and youre in position and youre playing the game the way you are supposed to, the football Gods will get what you need.___AP NFL websites: http://www.pro32.ap.org and http://www.twitter.com/AP_NFL ' ' '